In love with darkness

I can understand I am insane when I close all the doors and windows before it is sunrise. I ensure all nooks and crannies are sealed.I never turn on the lights, keep the brightness of my laptop to a minimum, and punch the wall to feel the knuckles. I perfectly understand I am insane, and for a considerable amount of time too.

Its been days since I've left the confines of my room. I rarely sleep or eat, and drink a lot.

What exactly is my situation?

I notice how dark I am becoming-spiritually and emotionally. Darkness and my life have become synonymus. I stay in the dark so that people around me...the very few who still care...cant see my tears. Depression is Satan's stronghold in my life. He exploits this stronghold in an effort to make me ineffective, disobedient, withdrawn, and flat-out-angry at God. I am angry, very angry.

All those who have ever loved and lost can understand this anger, which soon transforms into pain. Why me God? Why me? What have I ever done to offend you? Why did you do this to me?

Where it used to be an affirmation of love, now it is a question.

Where it used to be a celebration, now it is a mourning.

Love makes you so vulnerable. No matter how many castles and moats you build so that it cant hurt you, it still manages to sneak in, eats you and leaves you crying in the darkness. It gets inside you and rips you apart.

All this for what? A few silly moments when you feel you own this world and nothing can stop you now? When you were so happy you wish someone should have killed you then and there and spared you of the pain.

But time is a great healer, they say. And I sit and wait in the darkness, to be healed.

I'm in love with darkness of the night.

I'm in love with all that's out of sight.

I hate the colors and their hue.

And the darkness loves me too.